Down

Have you ever felt like you are being ripped into pieces?
And no matter what you do it only gets worse.
You try your hardest to move through your day but you are constantly reminded of decisions you made.
And these decisions have been so painful.
Painful enough to make you never want to go home.
Move up north or out west. (people can visit right?)
And every song you listen to... it's like a dagger being stuck in your heart,
which then brings tears to your eyes.
But you keep telling yourself... "why are you crying?"
Get up, go do something, only to be reminded of what you just walked away from as soon as you get a spare moment to sit and think.

And yet I find comfort.

comfort in knowing that the Lord is in control of everything.

The more I get to know him, the more I love him, that's when i truly will be satisfied.

And it will be hard. But he carries me through it all.

Blesses me with more than I could ever imagine.

I have everything I could ever ask for, and i don't even deserve it.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen"   -Ephesians 3:20-21

Air to breath,    legs that work,    an amazing family,    true friends,    a comfortable bed,    food to eat,    eyes that see,    ears that hear,    fingers that wiggle.... 

and yet I am selfish and I do not thank Him enough.

I want what I want and when I don't get it, I take it anyway... and then it hurts not only me but others.




Pain that could have been avoided... but wasn't. 

Mellifluous

Music. 

It's like that saying, "one man's garbage is another man's treasure" 

Everyones MELLIFLUOUS sounds are different. 

Somehow my head seems to throw things at me.

At the exact moment I need a theme song for the events going on in my life, the song I need is playing over and over in my head. >< My brain must have an awesome DJ in there somewhere. He picks the best songs at the best times and plays them just at the right volume. Loud enough for me to hear it but soft enough that I can still think with it playing. 

Silly you think?

I wake up to songs playing in my head (this DJ works 24 hours a day 7 days a week [I should get him some red bull])

Back to my point.
There seems to be a song for every moment of every day.
I wish I could write beautiful songs and sing them to the people who mean the most to me. 

I gave up playing instruments, 

I hate to say I gave up... 

maybe it's just that I found better things to do (like sports)

plus I was never really good at reading notes [much less anything else] 

But I'll listen to music all day long and never get sick of it. Dancing is a plus too.

Sometimes I wonder.
If my life was a movie, 
what would the soundtrack sound like? 
sweet and soothing? 
metal head banging? 
or maybe just music that makes you happy no matter what is going on in your day.

What is your soundtrack?

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth,

burst into jubilant song with music;

make music to the Lord with the harp,

with the harp and the sound of singing,

with trumpets and the blast of the ram's horn-

shout for joy before the Lord, the King.

PSALM 98:4-6

Disenchanted Lullaby

Pretend you're listening to mellow music (or actually put some on if your imagination is impaired)
then think of things that would make the moment even more mellow.


Like...
Listening to the ocean waves crash on the sand. And you write you name in that sand, only to have it washed away by the waves that make those soothing sounds. Does that mean your name ever existed there? or was it just a figment of your imagination. [figment... i use to have a stuffed animal named figment from disney world]
back to the mellow music.


The sand between my toes while I listen to the waves crash and glide up along the shore, as they recede back into the large blue body of water the bubbles on the sand pop making a sizzling noise.... and then it happens all over again. then you think back... why are there so many waves, is there a gigantic wave maker in the middle of the ocean? If so no one has yet to find it. (clever hiding spot I must say) 


Or like...
watching clouds slowly dissipate in the wind. it's like a natural lava lamp. Just watch the clouds shape shift while the breeze kisses your cheeks and moves your hair off of your neck. Like a lover who is content with the slightest touch of his lovers soft skin that he couldn't bare but not to breathe her smell in softly and gently. 
And you imagine these things while you watch these white puffs of floating water change shape to things you would have never thought to be in the clouds. like mermaids. 
I want to be a mermaid. Beautiful and without a care in the world. Their hair, long and perfect no matter if they are in the water or singing on a rock waiting for their merman to sweep them off of their... fins? (since they don't have feet or anything like that) but they have glittery tails that help them glide through the water with almost no effort what so ever.
as I see all of this in the clouds I am relaxed even while the hot Texas sun beats down on my pale body. I'm sweaty and I decide that even though watching these fascinating creatures swim through the blue sky while slowly dissipating into nothing is soothing, it would be much more soothing to allow the cooled air inside to embrace my body and the chilled liquid from the icebox to run smoothly down my throat and hydrate me.

"Better one handful with tranquility then two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind." ecclesiastes 5:12

And I remember a few more things that mellow me out. 


A cup of tea and a soft blanket curled up by the fire on a chilly night while it's snowing outside.


A quite night after a long day laying in my bed eyes closed breathing slow sifting through my happy memories.


sipping freshly squeezed lemonade while laying on a floaty in the middle of the pool on a hot summer day (extra sugar in the lemonade please)


Peanut butter.


Getting a good back massage. (preferably from someone special)


Listening to snow fall.


Star gazing.

Aloha

Aloha means both hello and goodbye.
and to be perfectly honest, it makes a lot of sense.
saying goodbye means saying hello to another thing.

Goodbye Jersey, Hello Texas. (and vise versa) 

Goodbye Love, Hello Heartbreak. 

 Goodbye Craziness, Hello Peace. 

 Goodbye College, Hello Real World.

Goodbye and Hello can be both Happy and Sad. Yet everything is not the same. 

There is so much I could say but I will refrain for I must say Goodbye to this night and Hello to the morning
Once I've made wonderful friends with my pillow and traveled to the motion picture in my brain 
that never plays when i'm conscious. 

It's a tragedy really.

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

if I am to go on living in the body,

this will mean fruitful labor for me.

yet what shall I choose?

I do not know!

I am torn between the two;

I desire to depart and be with Christ,

Which is better by far;

But it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.

Convinced of this I know that I will remain,

and I will continue with all of you

for your progress and joy in the faith,

so that through my being with you again

your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.

Philippians 1:21-26

Ponder

I wonder about a lot of things and then I wonder if wondering is bad. 
    What are other words for wondering? 
Being curious?
    Like curious george the monkey? 
oh to be able to climb things like a monkey, swing from tree to tree. 
    I miss swings and jumping off to see who can land the farthest out from the swing-set. 
Seems to me that I may never grow up? 
    does that mean I will never mature? 
I'd always like to stay young even if i don't look it. 
    I got a beer the other night at a pub, didn't even get carded. 
Kind of disappointing but not terrible. 
    Things like that, like how people get offended no matter what people do is so frustrating.
No one offends someone on purpose unless they are just a mean person. 
    I like being super nice to mean people because then maybe deep down they will want to be nice because someone was nice to them. 
    Chain reaction, 
that's everything isn't it? 
    Certain things would never happen if everything before it never happened. 
God has a GREAT plan for us all. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

    Too bad we only get a piece of the puzzle. 
I like doing puzzles. 
    My Favorite part is putting the last piece in that puzzle 
but then it's over and it quickly becomes a happy sad moment. 

I must go. With my one piece that will soon fit with everyone else's to create a masterpiece!

Farewell

Grasp

Today we went to the Zoo. 
I had fun obviously.
But spending so much time with so many little kids makes me really think.

I love being the age that I am.

I have come to realize, I like being a kid more than having to discipline/take care of them. (not that I don't like taking care of them by any means) 

I'm making a list of all of the things I miss doing and have been doing that past week or so.

1. Finger Paint 2. Shadow Puppets 3. Eating animal crackers 4. Bubbles 5. Pretending 6. Watching cartoons 7. Disney movies 8. Making crazy noises/faces 9. Catching lizards 10. Swinging 11. Going to the park 12. Drawing with chalk 13. Play in the sandbox

And then I realize.

Out of the 13 things I have listed.

I regularly do 9 of them.

Who would have thought.

JOB 33:23-28

Verse 25-26 " Then his Flesh is renewed like a child's; it is restored as in the days of his youth. He prays to God and finds favor with him, he sees God's face and shouts for joy; he is restored by God to his righteous state."

 

Time Out of Mind

It's been a while.

_____   \*/   _____   <*>   _____   \*/   _____

So I flew the other day. Literally. 

Like.... in the air with nothing holding me up.

Except.... I was in  a huge chunk of metal. 

Have you ever wondered.. 

actually (I wrote a little bit [more like a lot a bit] on the plane so I'll just tell you what I wrote.

As I fly, I think of so many many things like "Do birds fly up this high" and clouds are so amazing, they look so fluffy and comfy. yet you also get the light wispy (so I thought this word would have an 'h' in it... that was a fail on my part) ones that are just as cool but in their own way. Then i look down and see all of the awesome patterns that the farms and rivers create. Farmers really don't know what great artists they are with the patterns and colors the ground makes when they get ready to plant their crops. I think that's the Delaware?  It's dirtier looking than I thought it would be. Pretty wide though. I tried tracing it to the outline of Jersey but then I don't know if I could see it all, or even if that really was the Delaware. They should have labels on things when you're up this high [you know like google maps or something] that just made me think, I wonder what it would be like to fly on a plane high. could be the worst experience ever or the best. or somewhere in the middle, I'll never know.... or will I? The clouds look like mountains floating and then panning out to softer wispy (there's that word again) ones for a nice flat snowy plain look or foggy, i mean thats what fog is, clouds right? condensation floating in the air. The other thing that got me a little worried before (well i don't think i've even been super worried about a flight this wasn't a SW [super worry] moment anyway) But. this is basically just one huge chunk of heavy metal zooming around in the open sky (hopefully we don't zoom into another zoomer) but how crazy that we can do that and not plummet the whopping  37,000 feet that we're at right now, if I heard him correctly.

This is what the ground looks like:

reminds me of a pirate ship. 

At first I saw a smiley face. 

But then the clouds moved out of the way.

I think because I haven't written in a long while my brain is over flowing and pouring stuff out

 like a pitcher of fresh squeezed lemonade on a hot summer day. 

It's going to be so hot down there. I'm wearing a sweatshirt right now. 

What am I doing?

Now I see an elephant kissing a dinosaurs butt... (brown noser) 

I never really knew what that meant until someone was like yea he's got his head up fankie's butt. 

It's such a null sound.

The engines roaring through the blue sky. 

why doesn't it look like we're in a bunch of blue particles right now? 

it looks just like the air on the ground you know

[SIDE NOTE: my stomach hurts at the moment because I want food, 

yet I don't want to pay a bajillion 

{is that how you spell that} 

dollars for one half of a sandwich]

Back to my "you know" moment 

When we're on the ground looking up (well at least when I am) I'm making shapes out of the clouds, but when I'm in the clouds [aren't i always anyway] I find shapes made out of the ground. They are so totally different yet similar at the same time. Fluffy round clouds, hard edged ground, all a part of God's awesome creation. I should really try to share the gospel with the man sitting next to me, how though? How to spark up a conversation without offending him, I mean I'm sure I won't. He's super nice. Use to live in Jersey actually. His name is Jim, at least that's what he told me, I believe him. He seems like a thrill seeker. Just told me he's gone sky diving before (I want to go) I like meeting new people, getting to know their story and finding out new things. Everybody knows something different, I mean a lot of somethings but no one knows the exact same things as someone else, which is cool because then we can tell each other. 

                                                            "Through him all things were made; 

                          without him nothing was made that has been made. 

                         In him was life, and that life was the light of men. 

                                                  The light shines in the darkness, 

                              but the darkness has not understood it."

                                                                              John 1:3-5

I wonder what state we're over now, again they need floating signs or something. They probably wouldn't stay put though.

Mountains don't look so high up here... goodness my brain is all over the place thinking away tink tink tink.

I ate peanut butter with a tinkerbell spoon last night. yummy yummy in my tummy. Peanut butter is just so good and good for ya too.

Oh clouds. they are awe, some I guess when you fly there isn't much else to do but think. 

like how I miss people. 

a month is kind of a long time, 

and now that there is someone I want to be home with it makes it difficult.

It's not like i don't want to go

[ I so can't wait to see everyone ] 

but i don't want to go, you know? 

I've rambled too much i think (there I go thinking again) 

oh clouds oh texas oh flying oh feet (colorful feet) 

"Fly away on a metal carpet ride."